Usually, When I wake up and switch on my phone, I see heaps and heaps of suffering and anguish. Frankly, most of my days start like this. I wake up and thrown at me is a pile of darkness, fear, and disgust. Even before I step on the ground, it vanishes from beneath me. All that is left is a raging fire that burns every feeling of hope, if there even was any. You cannot escape it.
Some days it is people blaming each other, some days it is a country crying war, some days it is a realization that my planet is dying, some days it’s stories violating the very sentiment of human life and other days, just the mere thought that something bad is going to happen. I have finally grappled with the fact, that there will always be something lurking around the corner. It sometimes feels like negativity is a fan of mine. She never leaves me alone.
I constantly remind myself that I should not let this negativity affect me but deep down inside I know. I know that I am just lying to myself every day. How much ever I try, I know that the anger, the fear, and the vileness of our race will come back to haunt me. There is no place to run. It will just hit you in the face again and again and again. I am tired and exhausted. But how can I feel safe in a world which cannot go even one day without killing any feeling of peace?
What disturbs me the most is that these problems run so deep through our thinking that we might never be able to repair them. We treat disrespect as a joke. Turn a blind eye to the toxic nature of our regressive thinking and let everything slide because we are too scared to change it or even try. These problems have been introduced, no etched in our minds even before we learn to make our own decisions.
Sometimes I feel that I should give up on everything maybe nothing will ever change, and that this will be our destiny. And as I sleep these nightmares will follow me. I will be flooded with anxious thoughts of fear and there will be tears of terror. The darkness will rise and give way to its unknown plans. And then I am reminded that if we stop, then even the slightest possibility of things being better, vanish. Poof.
This fear, disgust, a feeling of uncertainty will follow me but maybe, just maybe it might push me towards erasing the past as I walk into the future.
I am sorry for going all dear diary on you here, but it is true. I am scared. I always am. I cannot ignore it. I cannot run away from it. All I can do is fight it.
– YUKTA BHANDARI